eternalsinners

[Nozara]

Real story by a man who was standing in a queue in Tescos.........

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot dog food in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow...........why else would I buy dog food??

Laterz Sim

[Anonymous]

Noz, that is the funniest thing I've ever read, I am still laughing as I watch Jeremy Kyle. People ask me when I'm buying Whiskas if I have cats so I tell them no, it just goes nice on a jacket potato. It's true - why do people ask???

[Nozara]

The Horth Withperer.............

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat'?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrase that.
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?

LMAO!

Laterz Sim

[Nozara]

The Three Women........

There were three women hiking through a forest when they came upon a raging river. In order to cross the river the first woman prayed to God, "God will you give me the strength to cross this river?" God gives her stong arms and legs, it takes the woman two hours to cross the river, almost drowning several times. The second woman asks God for the strength and the tools to cross the river, so God gives her strong legs, arms, and a boat. It takes the woman an hour to cross the river almost capsizing. Finaly the third woman askes God for the strength, tools, and intelligence to cross the river. God turns her into a man, he then walks one hundred yards down the river and crosses the bridge.


Laterz Sim

[Nozara]

Three Men.........

The Year Is 1915, The An English Man, An Irish Man, And a Scots Man are all in a German Prison. Finally they find a chance to escape.

As they attempt to escape they discover the germans are chasing them, so they dive into a room and each of them hides in a sack.

One german enters the room and gives the sack the english man is in a little nudge and shouts "Who's In There?" The English Man then goes "Woof Woof" The German Then says "Oh, it's only a dog"

The German then walks over to the sack the scotsman is in and gives that a litytle nudge and shouts "Who's In there?" the scots man then says "Meow" The German then says "Oh It's Only A Cat"

The German then gives the sack the irish man is in a little nudge and shouts "who's in there?"

The Irish Man Then Shouts "POTATOES!!"


Laterz Sim

[Nozara]

There was once two nuns........

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It was getting dark and they were still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrived.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.


Laterz Sim

[Nozara]

Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school.............


Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.


The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".


One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'".


"No," said Brown, "that would be an accident."


A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister,"that's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"


Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the Air plane carrying you and Mrs Brown was struck by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."


"Fantastic!" exclaimed Gordon Brown. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"


"Well," says the boy "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!


Laterz Sim

[Nozara]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house...........

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered..
"But you're naked!" The mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress." The daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"John loves me to wear this dress." She explained.
"It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours. He can't get enough of me".
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" He asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing, " he said "What's for dinner?"


Laterz Sim